Government to regulate scientists with regional accents
Minister for Universities and Science, David Willetts has written to further education establishments in England and Wales requesting that as part of their science courses they introduce mandatory...
View ArticlePhysicists struggle to explain existence of IKEA space-time continuum
Leading physicists have conceded that they may not yet know enough about the nature of the universe to explain the existence of IKEA, which first attracted their attention after a couple entered the...
View ArticleMan killed by Taser offered ‘too much resistance’, claim police
In a shocking volte-face, a police spokesman yesterday claimed that a man recently killed by a Taser had ‘shown too much resistance’. Circuit judge Eddy Sonn insisted that: ‘The coppers at first...
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Ministers to consider raising the speed of light
Transport Secretary Philip Hammond today announced that the government would be consulting on raising the current limit of the speed of light. ‘The 300-million-metres-per-second speed limit was...
View ArticleDesperate scientists resort to putting up hundreds of ‘missing particle’ posters
Scientists desperate to be reunited with a missing particle have resorted to leaving posters on every lamp-post in their local area. The particle, thought to answer to the name Higgs Boson, has been...
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Large Hadron Collider finds car keys
It cost some £6.2 billion to build, but the Large Hadron Collider may have justified that enormous price tag after it finally located Professor Brian Cox’s lost car keys. The keys were lost by Cox in...
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Faster-than-light Nissan Micra ‘may have been down to timing fault’
Two friends from Romford, who last year claimed to have exceeded the speed of light in a modified Nissan Micra, have admitted that the surprise result may have been caused by ‘Dave forgetting to start...
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Particle physics ‘all made up’ admit boffins
Scientists everywhere have been left red faced today as it has been revealed that the whole standard model theory of particle physics is entirely fictional. For years, billions of pounds have been...
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Microsoft delays launch of Stephen Hawking Vista
Software giant Microsoft has admitted that the launch of the latest Stephen Hawking upgrade has had to be delayed due to problems with the new operating system, which keeps crashing whenever asked to...
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Chinese hack into Stephen Hawking
MI5 and GCHQ have discovered that the Chinese may have hacked into celebrity physicist Stephen Hawking as much as ten years ago. There are fears that many of the respected cosmologist’s recent...
View ArticleSchrödinger’s cat simultaneously dead and alive because fuck you, that’s why
Tiddles, a tabby that was put in a locked steel chamber with a source of radiation, a hammer and a flask of hydrocyanic acid by an Austrian physicist in a classic experiment in the mid-1930s, has...
View ArticlePhysicists ‘ready to throw in the towel’ on the whole Weight vs Mass thing
The Institute of Physics has signalled a willingness to compromise on its previous hard-line stance regarding the kilogram. The move will be welcomed by non-physicists, many of whom have, at best, a...
View ArticleTunnel for Brexit negotiations revealed to be Large Hadron Collider
Boris Johnson, Michel Barnier and others will spend the next few days holed up in CERN’s Large Hadron Collider, in an attempt to quicken up the pace of negotiations, it has been revealed. The...
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Binatone’s version of Large Hadron Collider set to go on sale
For most people Christmas is a recent memory, but for manufacturers and traders the build-up to the next year’s lucrative festive season is already well underway with a series of International Toy...
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